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TRYING TO GET BACK TO ME

October 1, 2013

I don’t know what has happened to the past year. It is very hard to grasp that it has been a whole year, since I lost complete control of me and my own life. Yet, I know this to be true. From July until November 2012, I was completely swallowed up with the ordeal of trying to sell my Mother’s house. This was not the common, everyday responsibility of selling a mother’s house. No, there were two mortgages, both in foreclosure, a roof damaged by a hail storm, only to learn that the home owners insurance had lapsed. Upon inspections, I was informed that there was a gas leak that had to be repaired as well as, many cleaning, painting and repairing projects.

I had an awesome realtor who helped me to fight the foreclosure and we succeeded in selling the house on a settlement agreement. For me that involved long endless days on the phone with bankers and lawyers, court appearances armed with binders full of emails and letters, showing the mess that I was trying to correct.

During this time period, I neglected my home based ceramic business. Fall show time was approaching and yet, I couldn’t find the time to work. The stress took its toll and I hit the brick wall. Absolutely no energy, I could barely get out of bed. I completely lost my voice, it took every ounce of energy to just breathe. I cancelled all of my scheduled shows. Without even starting, it was the end of the season for me. Unfinished projects would just have to wait until I felt better!

It is now fall of 2013, once again time for the fall show season. I am just now beginning to truly and honestly feel better. I am late getting started, but determined to make up for last year’s neglect. I have been saying for weeks that I was going to go out and work in the shop, but something kept getting in the way. Paperwork, housework, phone calls, errands, etc.

Today, I finally said, “Today is the day. I must get busy, I have to take care of business. All of those other things will have to wait…….wait for me!”

Out in the shop, calendar hanging on the wall is opened to September, 2012. I knew it had been a year, but it took seeing those curled pages for my head and my heart to both realize how much time had really escaped me. A whole year! Where did it go? I attempted to turn on the TV, except the batteries in the remote are dead. I am too short to reach the TV to manually turn it on. So I turn on the radio. Hubby has changed my country station to his preferred “oldies but goodies.” That’s OK maybe the rock & roll will help energize me. I look around at the half finished projects, wondering where to start. Do those vases have one coat of glaze or three? What color was I using on these bowls? I can’t tell by looking at them, and the collection of jars and bottles don’t offer any quick clues. Maybe I should just move all of this out of the way and start fresh with something new.

I walk past all the shelves of greenware that needs to be cleaned. I certainly don’t feel like getting into that kind of a mess today. I need to paint. Look for something in bisque, something easy. Not a plate that takes design work and real artistry. Something that can be creative and fun. I settle on a collection of little monster candy shakers. Three-eyed monsters can be fun, colorful and creative. Besides, you can’t really mess up a monster, right? Then I realize I have doubts about painting again, after all, it has been a whole year! I am out of practice. Have I lost my touch? I think I may have even lost the desire.

OK, clean up a spot and get started!! Quit procrastinating! The water bowls were never emptied, the water evaporated and there are layers of peeling dried up paint in the bottoms. There is dried up glaze in a couple of the brushes lying on the table. (So glad that I had a teacher who taught me to never, never, never leave a brush sitting in a bowl of water, at least they are not permanently curled and useless. They are salvageable.) I create a pile of items to take into the house for a good thorough cleaning. In the meantime get out clean bowls and fresh brushes. Go through the paint tiles and choose some colors. I really should do some serious cleaning and dusting, everything needs to be vacuumed, but that will take all day. (aka…procrastination!) So I make a deal with the spiders and other little crawling creatures of God, that if they will leave me alone while I paint, I will leave their cobwebs and dusty homes undisturbed. At least for today. I must paint!

Before I know it, hours have went by, and I have blended and shaded colors, dotted on warts and created some cute big-eyed little monsters. Each with their own personality, no two are alike.

Maybe tomorrow I will work on ornaments.

It feels good to get back to “me!” I have missed “me!”

While writing this little story, a scrap of paper caught my eye. It is a prayer that I copied from a friend’s blog, probably close to two years ago. I keep it close and sometimes, like today, it speaks very loudly to me. I hope that she does not mind that I share it here.

“Precious God, today I let go of wasting time, I let go of procrastination and blocking my own path. I choose to move forward in joy, happily doing those things that are mine to do. Thank you for my abundant life! Amen.” CAM

Thank you my dear friend for your very wise words.

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