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March 3, 2014

Needless to say, I did not get to do the things that I had planned for this weekend.  For weeks, I just knew I was going to go to the hardware store and buy the necessary items for finally building some raised vegetable beds.  I have wanted to do this  for several years, but it seemed that Spring always turned to Summer before I could get to it, and I was too late to get started, so I always said….”Next Year, I will have that garden.” I am really hoping that this is the year I will be planting lettuce and other fresh veggies and herbs.

I also wanted to go to the Home Show at the county fairgrounds and talk to some people about some basement remodeling ideas.  Yes, and most everyone knows that I (we) have not completed the projects that were started last year.  But it is always good to dream and design right?  Dreaming about those plans is about all that I can do, as the early morning sleet fell like a heavy rain, and later turned to snow.  I realize once again that I am NOT the one in control here.  My plans were mine, but God’s plans are the ones that I live with and accept.  He knows far more than I.

Tomorrow, I will celebrate a milestone birthday. I will be eligible to collect Social Security!  Who ever considered that would be a milestone to celebrate?  Especially, since I don’t feel that old.  What is 62 supposed to feel like? I don’t really feel any older than the young girl who was celebrating her “Sweet 16th Birthday.”  Complete with the pink and white carnation corsage that had 16 sugar cubes nestled in among the flowers.  What? Nobody does that anymore? No sugar cubes? Not even the corsage? Really?  I still feel like the girl in the white lacy mini dress that was a good six to eight inches above the knee, although there is NO WAY I would wear that now!  My hair is cut almost identical to the pictures from that day so long ago, except the naturally dark almost black hair, is now a natural smoky gray. Not salt and pepper, because the colors are so evenly mixed, it is just “gray” And I rather like it!  Yes, I have added on a few pounds since I was that 110 pound teenager.  OK, more than just a few pounds!!! How in the world did I ever walk in those 3” spiked high heels?  Good grief, I would break a leg for sure, if I tried that now!  I look in the mirror and I see the physical changes, but inside my heart and mind, I really do not feel any different than I did when I turned 16.

Then it hit me, that true AH-HA moment…..  I think I know how my mom feels.  When she has said that she doesn’t need false teeth or hearing aids, because she is only 18.  The times after I cut her hair and hand her the mirror so she can see herself, or when  I take her picture and show her the digital image on the camera, she asks, “Who is that old (or sometimes she says ugly) woman?”  She always says, “That is not me!”   Is she so wrong in picturing herself as still being 18?  I guess the reality between her thinking and mine is that I KNOW I am not 16, and she does not realize that she will soon be turning 85.  In her mind she will be forever 18! If that makes her happy…so be it.

For a birthday many years ago, a very, very dear friend gave me a perpetual calendar of quotes and passages.  She has been an angel in heaven for almost 10 years now.  I can’t believe that it has been that long since I have heard her voice or seen her beautiful face.  The calendar’s title is, “The Peaceful Heart, Coping with Stress.”  At that time, we joked about coping with the stresses of working in an insurance office and dealing with the sales people and the customers and deadlines.  I often wonder if she knows what comfort her calendar brings to me now, in these roller coaster days of the Alzheimer’s world. As I   was completing this blog, I wanted to see what today’s quote was.  Would it be applicable for today? I turned the page and instantly cried great big crocodile tears! Here is the quote I found on today’s page;

“Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Teach us to number our days alright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”   Psalm 90:12

She knows!!  R.I.P. my angel, miss you!

I would say the quote is very applicable!

So on this icy, wet, white weekend, I will forget about the plans that I had made and I will,

“Let go, and Let God.”





  1. I think that’s a beautiful quote and certainly something our society lacks. I am proud to be 43 and wouldn’t change my age or my experience for anything my 20s could’ve offered me! It would seem that through the devastating journey you’re forced to walk with your mother’s diagnosis, you’re learning so many things that are to be treasured. What an inspiration you are, Carolyn!

  2. Cari, Thank you for your very kind words. This journey has taught me more lessons than I ever could have imagined, and yes, in spite of it all, there are some very precious memories to be treasured.

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